How to Cook a Mermaid

Everybody knows that gnomes hate badgers.

Two gnomes, Facestash and Philip, stood before the gnome king, King Gnohomo.
“My Lord, you wished to see us?” Facestash said as he and Philip knelt.
King Gnohomo motioned for them to rise. “Gentlegnomen, I have called you here because you are my two most expendable soldiers and I need you to go on a very important mission. As you know, the badgers are our most ancient enemies. However, we are also enemies with the rabbits, the dragons, the elves, the robots, the mermaids, and the turtles. Essentially, there isn’t really anyone left that we aren’t enemies with. I wish to change this fact. So you two will offer a peace treaty to the badgers so as the kingdom of the gnomes and the kingdom of the badgers can fight side by side in the war that I plan on starting soon.”
Facestash and Philip looked at each other for a moment and then Facestash spoke. “We would be honoured to do this for you my Lord.”
King Gnohomo smiled. “Excellent, you leave immediately… bye.”

Facestash and Philip gathered their supplies and left the city of Gnomalaria.

“I make it a three day walk to Badrington if we stick to the paths.” Facestash claimed as he read over a map.
Philip thought about it for a moment, “Yes, but we can do it in one day if we cut through the Forest of Trees.”
“Surely you can’t be suggesting we venture into the Forest of Trees? The turtles live in there and they would kill us the first chance they got.”
“We won’t give them a chance, turtles are very slow. If we walk quickly they won’t be able to catch us.”
Facestash was convinced. “Okay, let’s do it. But if those turtles kill us then I am blaming you.”

Facestash and Philip approached the edge of the Forest of Trees and looked in. It was very dark inside the forest, probably due to all of the trees.
“Are you ready?” Philip asked
“As ready as I’ll ever be. Let’s do it.”
Facestash and Philip took off. They ran into the forest as fast as their little gnome legs would take them.

After a couple of hours of running they heard a voice yelling. “GNOMES! THERE’S GNOMES IN OUR FOREST!”
“QUICK! ATTACK THE GNOMES!”
Facestash and Philip looked around and saw hundreds of turtles slowly emerging from their shells. They kept running and braced themselves for any attacks that might come their way.
“QUICK! KILL THEM BEFORE THEY GET AWAY!”
They kept running and no attacks came. They heard another turtle yelling though it sounded fairly distant. “Oh no, they got away.”

Facestash and Philip emerged from the forest unscathed. They decided to stop for lunch. There was just one problem; they hadn’t thought to bring any food with them.
“Well…” Facestash began as he tried to think of a solution to their food shortage, “how about, we each have a walk around and see if we can find something, a small animal perhaps or some berries, that we could eat.”
Facestash wandered to the edge of the forest where he noticed a couple of berry bushes. He began picking berries by the handful but was interrupted when Philip yelled to him, “Over here!”
Facestash ran over to where Philip was and looked to where he was pointing. A small fast food joint was there, just sitting at the bottom of a small hill.

Facestash and Philip walked into the fast food joint.
“Hi, what can I get for you?” asked the enthusiastic girl behind the counter.
Philip looked up at the menu, “Two large turtle burger meals, please.”
They got their food and walked over to a booth to eat. The turtle burgers were amazing.
“All this time, the gnomes have been fighting with the turtles when we should have been eating them!” Facestash proclaimed through a mouthful of his burger.
Facestash and Philip finished their food and left the fast food place.

It was getting late in the afternoon and Facestash and Philip were beginning to worry they wouldn’t make it to Badrington before sundown.
“We may need to make camp and finish our journey in the morning,” Facestash said, examining the map.
“Nonsense, we have plenty of ti-” Philip was cut off by the sound of two robots. Facestash and Philip looked over and notice that two robots had built a fire and were tying a mermaid to a long stick, getting ready to eat her.
“We’ve gotta stop them.” Facestash whispered to Philip.
“You’re right, and we better act quickly,” Philip said as the robots placed the mermaid over the fire.
Facestash and Philip desperately looked around for anything that could be of use. Philip noticed a small pond behind where the robots were. He quietly crept around the robots, filled a bucket, which was conveniently sitting next to the pond, with water and snuck up behind one of the robots. He swung the bucket as hard as he could and the weight of the water was so heavy that it knocked the first robot into the pond. He then flung the water from the bucket at the other robot and voided its warranty.
Facestash and Philip then finished cooking the mermaid and enjoyed a second hearty meal.
After eating their fill, and then packing up the leftovers for dinner, they continued on their journey towards Badrington.

It was nearing sundown when they were able to see the city of Badrington in the distance.
Facestash was starting to look worried, “Are you sure we shouldn’t wait until morning? I’m not sure it’s a good idea to wander into their territory at night.”
“We’ll be fine,” Philip assured him, “we’ll go in, give them the message and we’ll be out in time to grab some turtle burgers for dinner.”

Facestash and Philip quickened their pace and arrived at Badrington just as the sun was setting. Two very large badgers greeted them at the gate.
“What are a couple of gnomes like you doing in a place like this?” The larger of the two badgers asked.
Facestash cautiously stepped forward and stammered, “We must speak with your king at once.”
“Why?”
Facestash hadn’t really prepared to say anything more that that but quickly mustered up the courage to add, “We have a message from King Gnohomo.”
“Did you bring an offering?”
Facestash and Philip glanced at each other, they hadn’t brought an offering. Thankfully, Philip was a quick thinker and started, “Yes, we did.”
“Where is it then?”
“In this bag.”
“Show us.”
“No.”
“Show us or we’ll eat you.”
Philip opened up the bag and showed the two badgers what was inside. The smaller of the two badgers walked up and looked into the bag, “Is that the top half of a mermaid?”
Philip was a bit worried, “Umm… yes.”
The larger of the two badgers stepped forward and looked into the bag as well, “That mermaid was my friend.”
“Really?”
“No.”
The badgers took Facestash and Philip to see the king of the badgers, King Badgy.

As Facestash and Phillip were escorted into King Badgy’s throne room they marvelled at the intricacy of the castle built by the badgers. It was really neat.
Their marvelling was interrupted by the booming voice of King Badgy, “Why on earth have you brought these disgusting gnomes into my throne room?!”
“They have a message for you.”
“Did they bring an offering?”
“Yes, the top half of a mermaid.”
“If it was only the top half, how do you know it was a mermaid? The top half of a mermaid is the same as the top half of a human.”
“They’d eaten her arms”
“Oh okay.” The king motioned for Facestash and Philip to approach him. “What is your message?”
Facestash stumbled forward, “Uhh… well… King Gnohomo would like to make a peace treaty with the badgers.”
“Why on earth would he want to do that?”
“Well… Because there is going to be a war and he figures if we were allies then we could win the war.”
King Badgy pondered this for a moment. “Why does King Gnohomo think there will be a war?”
“He is planning on starting it.”
“Wouldn’t it be smarter for us to simply wipe out the Gnomes now and prevent the war from ever happening?”
Facestash looked at Philip who, once again, tried to save the day by speaking up, “That’s actually a pretty good idea King Badgy.”
“Excellent,” King Badgy shouted to his guards, “Guards! We’re going to wipe out the gnomes.” King Badgy looked back at Facestash and Philip, “this is slightly awkward now…”
“You could just let us live and kill the rest of the gnomes.” Facestash suggested with a glimmer of hope.
“No.”

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